This is the end Part 1

Let’s talk about death baby, let’s talk about you and me , let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things .....Yes I can find lyrics and twist them to fit any subject even death (thanks Salt ’n ‘Pepper for the inspiration for this opening).It seems , in my mind that most of the time no one wants to talk about death until it’s right in their face, even tho popular culture of tv and movies is full of it constantly. So I am going to go jump into it and share some of my understandings, findings and whacky experiences with it.

There’s a couple of different forms of death in our world.Firstly the one everyone thinks of crossing over, transitioning, the actual leaving the body death, and then theres the death of a friendship or a sexual relationship and the third the identity death , this could be a really long long story or I’ll try to condense it to my best magical abilities lol .One thing the first two have in common is the feeling they can leave us with. Yet everything in our world ends, a flower , a sunset, a river and those things don’t usually bring on this aching in our heart. The identity death is something different altogether and I’m still working out what that actually feels like.

I was going to start this collection of stories with the physical crossing over death however I feel we shall ease into it and talk about the relationship death to begin with, a softening , a distraction from the “big” subject, they are all painful and depending on your age you may not have experienced them all yet.

The very first one for me was my dearest friend or so I thought at the time in kindergarten, Alison Samuel, who resides in the where are they now file. We had so much fun, we lived really close to each other and yet I have no idea what ever happened after we parted ways into our first school experience. I remember her big furry samoyed dog, the wonderful rocking horse of grey with a long white mane that I so dearly wish I had and yet, I cannot remember what happened. I can only say that parents had control of everything at 4 years and 5 years old

and I will never know why, but it was the first hurt to my heart outside of my family when it came to “losing” some one.

After that any friendship I made at school took time , I was teased from my first day and then next 2 years of school. I would be for those first two years “fatty fat fat” from the tiny blonde girls. I know many people who have life long friends from day one of school , my life has been a series of people performances that have a beginning a middle and an then an almost mysterious disappearance, no fighting or bad words they just cease to exist.

Lovers, boyfriends , husbands have been few and those are what I shall get into now. Those seem to come with a lot more pain and suffering when coming to a conclusion. If I had known about past life experiences and cord cutting I might not have got myself into icky sticky long winded completions. Sometimes it is like a cockroach that’s been sprayed with a tiny amount of bug spray, and so it suffers for a long , so so long time.

Most of the time I don’t give away my sexuality , my sacredness very easily . I have only “picked up” men a few times and then it is still on my terms and in my 40’s.My first real boyfriend and sexual relationship was with my husband(you’ll have to wait for my relationship story for al the teenage angst dirt prior ). We dated for nearly 4 years even tho after two years he wanted to marry ,that was something I was not ever into so I made him wait to see how I felt about it.

In all honesty if he had not had a terrible and painful up bringing and been a foster child I would still not have gone thru with marriage, I never wanted to do it and told my Mother from age 6 that I was not going to do it , I succumbed to his needing of security, that dumb piece of paper and thought well it will be a great party, and it was a fucking great party . We had a mish mash goth punk traditional wedding with black chevvy’s and a beautiful reception place. A fellow dj who was a mentor and inspiration of much older age was our musical entertainment and he didn’t miss a beat. He managed to get my conservative

cousins dancing to bands that if they knew the names they would have been terrified, like Scraping Foetus off the wheel(yes that really is a true artists name) and a whole lot more. Anyway I digress....

There were gut intuitions that I should have gone with right from the get go tho. Our first date night he couldn’t hold his liquor and was vomiting and passed out outside the venue....that should have been it , but no a combination of his incredibly good looks my low self esteem carved deeply from age 3 allowed me to succumb to taking him home and looking after him, reading this now I want to slap myself. Then as I often stayed at his place there was the temper tantrums in the morning not being able to find his socks for work and so on, egad( yes that’s a word I am gifting to you ) that energy field of aggression was most off putting. I allowed it and it basically never changed , except when we moved into together and socks were always clean and in a drawer to avoid such tanties. These days I would tell them to fuck right off and get their shit together, but oh woah is the nurturing heart of a naive young woman, that same attitude is what will set you up for a life time of compromise and often bitterness as they feed off it. We had a lot of great times, laughs , travels but at the end of the day his pain ate him so much that he self medicated his way through life, which lead to the situation of being at the receiving end of - financial abuse and emotional abuse as well. Always picking up the bills, working harder or sacrificing more so he could get wasted. It took me many years after we were separated to see that the pain that I suffered felt like betrayal in my heart for I was second best to anything he could drink take or inject into his body and I was never enough of a good thing. It took me 5 years to end it because I did love him, and there is that over lay that a divorce is a failure-ppffttt to that . So life ticked on with the reasonable amount of foggy times until I got the magic touch from the creator and then the absolute death of the relationship began , long and painful, not serving either of us . He fought with me about spirituality , crystals, indigenous

culture and more. I was blessed with my touch from the creative source of all that is ,so many go thru a NDE - Near Death Experience( yes everything had an acronym now *sigh*)tragedy to get there /feel it what ever term you like , it was definitely a physical full body and soul experience . So whilst I didn’t have an NDE I had something that was a mish mash of two deaths at the same time .

I was working on a festival called Barmah Beat and had part time on a bushland revegetation team- working and walking the two different paths, which lead to a complete imbalance and so the week after the last time we hosted the festival, I was exhausted physically and emotionally. My husband was pissed off that I had been up there for a week and was pushing that I needed to go to work as “we” needed the money. So I went to work on the Friday fucking exhausted. The first job of the morning was back pack poison spraying on a big concrete storm drain. No one told me about the vietcong style wire running along the lip of the drain, my gumboot caught it and it sent me toppling over. I grabbed at the little sampling which like a cartoon shredded leaf by leaf up its tiny stem and I went feet first into the drain kind of running down the wall, I remain upright some how, try to get my balance the sloshing liquid back pack throwing me forward, my foot lands into the middle of the drain, I’m still upright yay but the drain is filled with
slime boo, and my foot slips and the earth throws me forward head first into the concrete wall. My neck and upper spine again just like in the cartoons squeezed tight like an
accordion ,and coloured stars fly around my head the cartoonists really do capture these things perfectly ,I was lucky that I only compound fractured 5 vertebrae , it could have been a lot worse however it changed my life as I knew it.

Within the week our marriage was over, I was done and would rather be on my own in my suffering than having some one be around me who gave so little but self righteous indignation about my state of health. He kicked me out, I went to a mates place for a week, then I came home and threw him out. With a

minimum amount of txts a few fly off the handle conversations, we were over. It took 14 months to make the divorce legitimate and the pain in my back was right in line with my heart chakra #funnynotfunny right?

It was not just the death of the marriage, it caused a fallout as they usually do and other relationships died also . It split friends down the middle and some never spoke to me again because I was the” bad” person I assume, he had been accusing me of sleeping with one of our best mates- that never happened there are probably some who were convinced by him that it did.

The work accident then lead to a totally different type of
death .It did lead me for the first time in my life to be diagnosed with depression. No dancing, walking the dog ,bike riding, horse riding and according to the physiotherapist no chainsawing and other things I did for work so it was that other type of death , the two identities came tumbling to a halt , see I should have just picked one right?! GO hard or go home.

So that combined with the relationship death really made me not want to be on the planet anymore, the death of the “identity” who we think we are is possibly one of the biggest deaths.For most people your job defines you , and whilst I had gone into the bushland work to leave the old dj me behind I had not succeeded and played a tightrope act of trying to balance the two, now it seemed both were gone.

Life changed in a breath , a footstep. I had not been drinking alcohol for around 6 years, after that it was take just about whatever crossed my path , back to drinking, smoking weed excessively and topping that with codeine painkillers and the dirty barbiturate family anti depressants, there were many moments that I saw inside the psyche of what makes alcoholics and true drug addicts tick.I have always been able to stop any thing fairly easily , cigarettes , alcohol , weed ,coffee but now in this pain train wreck where the heart and ego had crashed, no joy ,no love and no reason to be on the planet. The heart pain and the physical pain, well it was beyond anything I had broken

in my body before. The loss of faith, belief that any angels or the Creator was on my side seemed like they were gone. There’s the old belief that if you don’t have faith you are in trouble , well I can say that was true for me.

The prescribed medication does a great job of truely disconnecting you from your heart THAT my dear readers is a big take away you can share with the world , weed does it also when used heavily, particularly hydro (grown indoors) it seems to have lost any connection with the earth.I felt nothing, like a biege ceramic tile - and seriously no one wants those lol.While I had a small group of friends I saw in the first weeks of my injury, the majority of the time was spent with doctors, physiotherapists and a psychologist all absolute strangers . Right in the depths of the worst feelings there was nothing to be recognised. I was on “work cover” and it covers a wage and your drugs/treatment but it doesn’t really help going and talking to some one you do not know about your deepest feelings. The friends I had at the time were so heavily into smoking weed and partying that I could only put on a brave face around them, I wanted to scream out that I was not ok. Either way that is not what I did and the fighting to to keep what I knew continued while the breaking continued inside. I hope this is painting a clear picture as chances are some one you know has been injured badly at work or even not at work, and the shock and trauma which are now normalised words still don’t help if no one understands what they mean. It’s a bit like schizophrenia - people see it meaning one thing but it clinically means many many things.

Even after the injury , acting out like a trash bag and closing myself off as much as possible I still wasn’t prepared to give up what I knew. It would take another 8 years to remove the dj part of my life. I would never have said I had a huge ego about it but it certainly defined who I was for a long time.It is one job that can give instant gratification . You can mow a meadow, clean a house , file a document or serve a milkshake and you will not get the thrill of the energy of hundreds of people jumping up

and down to music together. Like professional athletes , it is feeds off the energy of excitement felt by others- great music does rock the world tho right?

In my last flailing attempts to hold on to that part of me I even wrote music on my computer , I collaborated with my dear friend and released some music, even tho I knew I wanted to write these stories I still couldn’t bring that death to a completion, until 2021 concluded and I said to myself - it is the end. Just like any death there is a mourning period, and a thought of being a failure or giving up and then allowing oneself to actually just let go. I wonder how much people who retire go thru this - or are they over joyed to be done with that part of their life if it was a shit job?

There is a part of me that knows that if I had not had these experiences I could not share what I know.A while later I came to the realisation it was my universal kick up the arse. For two reasons, it got me to actually finally end a relationship that truely was the cockroach on its back and it also would eventually lead to me giving up a lifestyle that was on its way to destination nowhere, a good chance I would have become what some of us in my music friendship group call “acid casualties”, lost it , just took too much of, well anything and everything .

My ex husband , he was actually a more mellow version of where my lost in prescription drugs and alcohol brain took me, I really didn’t care what happened anymore and my life of laying on the floor watching tv with my dog a bong and no God in sight turned into a living nightmare.The guilt of not walking out on my parents was the only thing holding me to stay on earth. He didn’t hate life he just wanted to block out his childhood as Pink Floyd would say “comfortably numb” .The good news is that I am not that person anymore , my experiences showing me full angelic support , my ex husband is sober from what I hear and understands the love and light of the universe is a real thing, praise Jesus you say this was getting me depressed, me too just reading it lol.

So before we get into the death of people lets recap;
-you can see red flags if you choose not to get caught up in what’s between your legs and the desperate want for some one else to make you feel love.

-you can go through the shittiest of times and wake up from it a better version of yourself.

- you can also be whatever you want and it does not define your spirit, it’s just an experience and if we didn’t require money we might dip our toes in many many waters just to see what it feels like.

Cool huh , you didn’t realise you were getting all that from a page or two. Magic! yes there really was some magic! I might have just saved you years of a shit relationship , therapy or rehab.

You’re welcome.

So now, to the big D the one everyone pretends never happens until it happens...... TO BE CONTINUED